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Tips for dealing with your non-compliant child

Parenting a child with compliance issues requires some extra thought into how you speak to your child and specifically how you get them to comply with basic tasks like getting dressed, cleaning up, going potty, doing homework, etc. 

All instinctive language and communication skills go out the window as you need to learn specific strategies that allow you to reduce your child’s non-compliant behavior. You can set yourself up for success but it requires you retraining your brain some when it comes to how you approach certain situations. 

What do we mean by non-compliance? 

This is when a child fails to start or complete a task or follow an instruction. Non-compliance is a common trait among children with autism and something that is often addressed during ABA therapy. 

Here are a few basic tips to help with the day to day activities of parenting a non-compliant child: 

  • Don’t ask yes or no questions. More than likely the answer will always be no and you are just setting yourself up for failure. 
  • Give choices where you are happy with either being chosen. That way, they feel like they’re in control and you still get a positive outcome. 

For example, When getting dressed – “Would you like to put your shirt or your shorts on first?”, when asking them to clean up their toys – “Do you want to clean up your legos or the playdough first?” or when going potty – “Do you want to go now or would you like for me to set a timer and we can go when the timer goes off?” 

  • If you make a request, make sure you have enough time to follow through with it, otherwise, you are accidentally rewarding their non-compliance and teaching them you won’t follow through with your requests. 

For example, if you’re trying to get to an appointment or school on time and you tell your child to clean up their playroom, you may be setting yourself up for failure, depending on how compliant your child is being on that particular morning.

  • If you really need them to do something, don’t ask “will you?” “can you?”, use statements instead “It’s time to eat,” “You need to go get dressed,” or “Put your shirt on please.” 
  • If you’re approaching a non-preferred task like a haircut, start talking about it several hours before so you can talk through the steps, give them choices on how they want to begin and discuss a reward for completing the task.
  • Last but certainly not least, PRAISE, PRAISE, PRAISE and REWARD, REWARD, REWARD. As parents, it can be so easy to overlook the positive activities that our child performs and only focus on the negative. And remember, when you are praising your child, be specific. “I love how you got dressed so quickly.” “You did such a great job eating all of your food at breakfast.” “I’m so proud of how still you sat during your haircut today.” 

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Five Language Building Activities to do Anywhere

As a special needs mom, a big part of my weekly schedule is filled with therapy appointments, which means an even bigger part of my week is filled with driving to and from those appointments. In an effort to reclaim some of the wasted time in the car, I began to build an arsenal of activities that could be done while driving. These language boosting games are not only fun, but use those long car trips to reinforce needed skills. 

  1. Press Pause. Music is a powerful tool for kids on the autism spectrum and other non-verbal disorders. The rhythm and repetitive nature of a favorite song can soothe a meltdown, but songs can also encourage speech. While playing a favorite song, press pause and encourage your child to ‘fill in the blank’ with the next words or phrases. Even reluctant talkers can be persuaded to keep singing their favorite tune.  
  2. Mystery Item.  To keep busy during the drive, I packed a basket full of toys to keep beside my son’s seat. This basket of toys is easily transitioned to a language building activity by asking my son to choose a toy and describe it to me so I could guess the item without seeing it.  Receptive language is improved as he describes the shape, color, and function of the item. He is also working on hearing my questions and answering appropriately. 
  3. Pass the Story. This is a classic childhood game that can involve the whole family while building vocabulary, listening and language.  One person starts a story and verbally shares a few lines before ‘passing’ the story to the next person to continue. My neurotypical children loved to jump in and play this game, and their participation encouraged their brother to join in the fun. 
  4. I See. A simplified version of I Spy, this game is a vocabulary boosting activity using the objects seen outside the car window. In our early language learning days, I would simply name an object that I could see, and encourage him to take a turn naming something he could see. As his language improved, I added adjectives to the items we passed. This receptive language activity allowed my son to hear some of the adjectives I used, and then practice adding descriptive words of his own. 
  5. What do you do, dear?:  One of our favorite car games was based on one of our favorite books, What Do You Say, Dear?  by Sesyle Joslin. In the book, characters learn the correct manners to use in social situations. We used the same principle to practice executive functioning skills and proper social responses in a variety of situations. For example, I would ask “What do you do when you need to get ready for bed?” As he listed the steps, he was practicing his vocabulary and planning skills. 

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How to set up a token economy

A token economy system is a popular and effective classroom management tool, but it can also be used at home. With very little setup, token economies can increase desired behaviors and take some of the emotional struggles out of parenting a child with special needs. 

What is a Token Economy?

A token economy is a system that rewards target behavior with a chosen token, chip, sticker, or check mark. Those tokens can periodically be exchanged for items or activities that are motivational to the child. If you have ever had a job, a token economy is just the same. You go to work and meet an expectation in exchange for money. The money, which has no value on its own, can be exchanged for things you want. 

Supplies Needed for a Token Economy

Tokens: Anything that is visible and can be counted can be used as a token. Poker chips are an easy choice, but it can be tickets, stickers, play money or any other item of your choice. Tokens should be portable, so that they can be awarded anywhere. 

A  Way to Keep Track: Children need a way to keep up with their tokens that is consistent

A Behavior Target: A list of the desired behaviors and the tokens that will be rewarded must be clearly listed and explained to the child ahead of time. Most parents find it easier to choose a handful of behaviors to focus on when setting up a token economy. 

Items for Exchange: An exciting menu of options that appeal to the child is the key to success for this type of program. Create a “store” of choices for which the child can exchange their tokens. These do not have to be material items. Choosing the dinner menu, staying up late, or going to the park can all be choices for exchange. Get your child involved in choosing the rewards they would like to earn. 

Tips for Setting up a Token Economy

  • Choose a handful of behaviors to address, but do not overwhelm your child by trying to correct everything. It is beneficial in the beginning to focus on a behavior where the child excels so that they can get the feeling of succeeding with the system. 
  • Frame the desired behavior in a positive manner. Instead of “don’t complain during dinner” use “keep a cheerful attitude during dinner.” 
  • If the child is struggling to earn any tokens break the task into smaller chunks and reward more frequently. 
  • Reward the proper behavior immediately by handing out a token. Instant gratification is ideal for kids who are struggling with delayed consequences. 
  • Change the system as the child improves their behavior. Give tokens more sparingly and make rewards more costly to wean your child away from the token economy. 

But, Does it Work?

Research shows that token economies are very effective for kids who have been resistant to all other types of intervention. The immediate delivery of a tangible reminder of good behavior keeps children motivated and helps them to stay focused.  Because the rewards can be varied, kids are also less likely to get bored with the system. The greatest benefit is the flexibility of the system. If it’s not working quite right, don’t give up entirely. Tweak the system by adding rewards or breaking tasks down into smaller chunks for faster success. 

Resources for Creating Your Own Token Economy

Token Economy Set Up Kit by Sasha Hallagan

Car Themed Token Economy by Nicole Caldwell

Monster Themed Token Economy by Making Model Students

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How to be a friend to a special needs mom

moms supporting moms

Being a mom of a special needs kid is lonely. There. I said it.  Moms like me are conditioned not to talk too much about the negative, and we have definitely learned not to think too much about our own needs. We don’t want to be isolated, but the distraction of therapies, IEPs, and doctor’s appointments coupled with the seeming heaviness of our special brand of mommyhood takes a toll on our friendships. I don’t think friends intend to become aloof when a mom welcomes a child with special needs into her family, but it happens.

There are many reasons why friendships are strained with a special needs mom. Some friends are afraid of offending, so they just keep their distance. Some feel separated by the differences in their parenting journey. Some don’t know what to say, so they just don’t say anything at all. Whatever the reason, it is another blow to the mom at a time when she needs her friends more than ever.  What can you do if you have a friend who is a special needs mom?

  1. Ask questions, and don’t worry about offending. After my son was diagnosed, it was like the elephant in the room when I saw my friends for the first time.  I was dying to talk to anyone about the glut of information that was swimming around in my head, but I didn’t want to dominate the conversation and make a social fool of myself. It was such a relief when someone finally broke the silence and asked about the diagnosis. That gave me permission to share my news and begin to educate people about the new normal in our family. I am still thrilled to share when someone asks a question, and never offended by genuine interest. 
  2. Give her a safe place to vent. Sometimes I want to run away and I need someone to hear me say that without judging me or thinking I am a bad parent. Most of the time, I remember that children are a blessing and I feel optimistic about the future, but sometimes I see “normal” families and I just want to have an easy day. I need a shoulder to cry on from time to time to help me get back to a balanced way of looking at life.  Jamie, mom to 10 year old Andrew, who was diagnosed with Down syndrome at birth, has also longed for a friend who would let her share the realities. “Everyone expects me to be so optimistic all the time, but I sometimes want to scream that the burden of care is overwhelming.”
  3. Tell her she’s doing a good job. All moms need to be reminded that they are doing it right from time to time, but moms of special needs kiddos need this even more.  Often our herculean efforts don’t produce tangible results, so it helps to have someone outside the fray to encourage us to not grow weary. Once after I had a diffused an epic meltdown, a friend gently sat down beside me and said that I had handled the situation perfectly. No kinder words were ever spoken.
  4. Offer to babysit. It may seem like a simple gesture to you, but for a family that may not have a reliable caregiver, it is a life ring. Understand that special needs moms may be hesitant to let you help because they are afraid that the task will be too difficult. Promise that you can handle it and won’t judge, and then greet the mom with a smile on your face when she returns. Even if the job was difficult, you can smile knowing that you gave her a precious gift of a few hours alone with a spouse or other children.  
  5. Share your parenting struggles and triumphs Friends, especially those with typically developing children, express that the difficulty with sustaining a friendship is that they don’t feel like their parenting struggles can ever compare and they are hesitant to share.  That phenomenon creates a one sided relationship that can easily fade away. The last thing I want is to be so wrapped up in my world that I can’t hear about your world. I want to hear about your child’s latest development or the thing they are doing that drives you crazy. It may sting a little to be reminded that my child can’t accomplish those things, but not having a friend hurts worse. 
  6. Give her some (guilt free) me time. Moms are notorious for putting their needs last, and special needs moms are serial offenders. Give her a chance to get away from scheduling therapy and researching new techniques by planning a girls’ night or weekend getaway.  It is refreshing to be able to take a break and be someone besides the mom of the kid with special needs. I have learned that I can’t give 100% of myself to my child 100% of the time, but I sometimes need a push to actually schedule the time to recharge. 
  7. Recognize the victories, no matter how small. When it comes to milestones, special needs moms often work ten times as hard to only reap 1/10th the results.  Although major victories do happen, it’s the small accomplishments that are more prevalent.  Identify the small successes and celebrate them with the family. Because of low muscle tone, Andrew struggled to learn to jump as a preschooler.  After months of therapy, he finally learned to jump and Jamie was thrilled to have a friend share in the triumph. “When my neighbor saw him jumping in the front yard, she ran over and gave him a huge high five and then gave me the biggest hug. She acted like he had been accepted to Harvard, and it was so special to have her rejoice with me.”
  8. Keep it alive. All moms are busy, but special needs moms are often operating so far past emotional empty that it is difficult for them to remember to do simple things like call their friends or even say hello. It’s not that she’s not interested or longing for companionship. It’s that she is in survival mode and she needs someone to draw her out every now and then.  Also remember that rejection is a part of the equation often for these moms. If you don’t make the effort, she may assume that you are one of the many who just can’t handle her challenges.  
  9. Don’t treat her like a victim or a martyr. There seems to be a tendency to pity or idolize moms like me. I’m not more patient or somehow saintly.  I’m also not miserable or dejected because of my enrollment in the special moms clubs. Mostly, I am just like you, a mom who loves her kids and wants the very best for them. I want to celebrate the victories and complain when things are hard, and I am so grateful to have a friend who will share the good and the bad with me.